Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Where's Frank The Dancin' Dog?

by SID - So in a week where the players are taking finals, I wanted to write an update on a person that has been noticeably absent all season: Frank The Dancin' Dog. Doreline NBC wanted to investigate what happened to this one-time giant in the unofficial mascot industry.

Five years ago he ruled as the top food mascot in the nation. His sidekicks ketchup and mustard and him barnstormed across West End throwing hot dogs, kissing babies and shaking hands with some of Nashville's finest. Then all of a sudden after the 2007 season he and his friends disappeared. He made a one-time appearance in the last series of the 2008 season, looking like Elvis in his final days. Unshaven and unkempt, his last performance was a sad shell of what he used to be. All that was missing was a cigarette and he would have looked like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa. Afterwards, unnamed sources reported he needed an oxygen tank and an IV of pickle juice.

Efforts to find the elusive dog have come up empty and his sidekicks ketchup and mustard are not talking. You could sense the anger in their voices as they have lost out on plenty of opportunities, because without him they are just condiments. It would be like Dave Matthews Band without Dave. Some people, who chose not to go on record, say Frank got a huge ego and wanted his own promoter and agent booking gigs across the country and was angered when no one showed interest in the job.

Like Myron Noodleman before him and Crazy George, Frank had the potential to be a main-eventer but could not handle the pressure. Some say when the NCAA wouldn't allow him to perform at the Regional, that sent him over the edge. Insiders say that he had to be coaxed into his one time showing last season against Georgia and had to be paid handsomely in Smoothie King coupons and Coconut Cake.

The investigation took Doreline NBC to his home where his wife said he didn't want to go on camera or talk because he was embarrassed about what he had let himself become. She said he missed the spotlight and was hoping for one last run, but that appears doubtful as we could see him scarfing down the world's biggest burrito while peaking inside the house.

Whatever the case, the legend of Frank the Dancin' Dog is strong and many fans are hopeful he will one day come out to Hawkins Field again. We can only hope that he comes back strong and with his friends ketchup and mustard who are staying in shape for one last run.

Here's a clip of Frank in his hey day.

16 comments:

  1. I miss you Frank. Please come back!

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  2. BRING BACK FRANK, BRING BACK FRANK.... This guy had some of the best dancing moves since Michael Jackson walked the plank in the "Smooth Criminal" music video

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  3. Frank is a has-been. We need more intern jokes. That really gets the crowd excited.

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  4. BRING BACK FRANK! HE IS MY HERO!!!

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  5. The marketing intern questions are weak. Frank had a big ego but that's what happens when you're a hot dog. Bring him back!

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  6. Please bring back the HOT DOG! That loser is hysterical!!!

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  7. Frank, I believe in you! Show them that you CAN make a comeback, just like Britney Spears...
    Tell the fans to get ready!!
    Love,
    your wife

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  8. Has Frank gotten too big for his buns? I wouldn't be sad at all if Frank came back. I could always use a hotdog. Think of dog-dancing as a Jenny Craig alternative.

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  9. AN OPEN LETTER TO FRANK:

    Dear Frank:

    Remember: If you can imagine it, you can be it! See the HOT DOG, BE THE HOT DOG...Your fans believe in you and know that you will be back again soon. Obviously, SID has no idea what it takes to be a true Ball Park Frank! But your fans never take for granted the endless hours that you spend practicing your dance moves and keeping your physique in tip top, Hot Dog shape. Think of all of the good role models you have: if Micky Rourke can make a come back, you can too. YOU ARE THE TOP DOG!

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  10. Frank you're a washed up has-been. Bring in a new mascot. Maybe the smoothie guy could move up in the ranks and get some more face time. Your days are done, dog.

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  11. Frank is not a quitter, he's a weinner.
    As Scarlet O'Hara and Oscar Meyer as my witness, he will be back.

    Frank's Dad (The Italian Stallion Sausage)

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  12. I think the time has come for a "Frank: Behind the Bun" doc shot like VH1's Behind the music. Perhaps the new Mrs. Frank will inspire him to return.

    Also, can we get some pictures & info on the camera system Coach Corbin mentioned on Monday's call in show. It sounds impressive.

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  13. Frank,you are THE dog! You can be THE dog again!Come home to Hawkins and thrill us once more with your hot dog moves.

    Signed,
    Mr Buns

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  14. We especially liked Frank in the Hard hat from his YMCA days.

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  15. It is not the same without Frank. He needs to come back. Frank,Frank,come back!! You may feel like you've been shot down in April, but you'll be back in May. When he comes back, us fans need to know so we can be there for his triumphant return.

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  16. Frank, in the words of one of your idols ... resssst innnnn peeeeeeace ...

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